The Ear Chronicles

Phil is home and well-pieced together! I'll be updating with pictures of the progress and anything funny he does while on major doses of Vallium. He was the perfect hospital patient, charming the nurses with his wit, scooting around in his open-backed gown and booties, and deciding that he likes the headband because, well, you know: karate kid. He had a tympanoplasty (gross picture here, nice drawing here) and mastoidectomy all because of a goddam cholesteatoma. The surgery was actually much more time-consuming and scary than they had originally thought. The cholesteatoma was very advanced and mandated the removal of portions of his ear canal, his hearing bones, and huge portions of his mastoid. Most importantly, they found that part of his brain was slowly collapsing into his ear cavity and a wall had to be erected and reinforced in order to keep his brain in the right spot (!!! here is where the wife starts loosing it!!!). I have pictures of all of this (did you know they totally bring you pictures of your spouse's insides afterwards?!) and I'll post them tomorrow. He got himself a new eardrum stretched (yes, they can do that) and faux hearing bones put in for the time being. Luckily, his surgeon is a badass lady who just returned from maternity leave to continue her cholesteatoma-ass-kicking job. She was very cool and calm as she told me about the amazing wandering brain and the fact that we won't be able to have sex for 6 weeks (I'm not even kidding, so don't laugh: it's not funny).
Here is Phil home from the hospital thinking about 6 weeks without sexual activity of any kind:

This is what his ear looks like. I've mentioned it once to him, but I'm not sure he realizes just how crooked his ears are now, in relation to one another, I mean. More pics to come.
This is what happens when he's left alone for an hour. They say THIS IS NORMAL so don't accuse me of bad caretaking just yet:
I asked Phil if he wanted me to tell anyone anything and since he can't really talk right now he just waved, so "Hi!" from Phil. He's doing ok at the moment, but I'll post all the gorey details as time passes...I mean, can you even WAIT to see all the packing that has to come out in 3 weeks?!? I can't.

Of Boys and Bowels

So, is it just me or do men spend inordinate amounts of time in the bathroom? My first issue is that if it's taking that long, then something is horribly and irrevocably wrong with your body. Your health is in serious jeopardy if an hour and a half is required to do the business that needs to be done. It's just not right and you probably need help; help that would require an enema and a camera in places you never thought cameras could go.

Second, I thought we had finally gotten to the point in our holy union where I no longer accuse Phil of camping out in there every time he hears the word "relationship" or "dishes." Now I'm just sure he's making something extraordinary in there, like a detailed reproduction of the Sistine Chapel hidden behind the mirror or building a miniature model of the Parthenon out of Q-tips and toothpaste. Whatever it is, I'm confident that it is fantastic, because it has been the most time-consuming venture in his life.

Epistemic Violence

In response to the proposed vaccine for the human papilloma virus (link):

"I personally object to vaccinating children when they don't need vaccinations, particularly against a disease that is one hundred per cent preventable with proper sexual behavior," Leslee J. Unruh, the founder and president of the Abstinence Clearinghouse, said.

Because HPV is a cancer-causing virus, we hear the uproar about life and death and our need to react to the Bush Administration's archaic relationship to any science that might make premarital sex less risky. WHY IS IT that we need the word "cancer" inserted to make us fidgety with anger? STD's don't need to fall into some "other" category of ailments simply because a conservative political presence deems premarital sex improper. I like this article's complexity and message, but I want HPV to be on our radar without the rhetorical device of "cancer" to legitimize it.

I think we need a new instantiation of the bumper sticker "Just say no to sex with pro-lifers."

How about "Just say no to sex with anti-science pricks who think that just because no one wanted to screw them premaritally, we all need to hunker down and keep our panties on until heteronormative property-exchanges doth put the fire of the Lord into our loins."