DOMINATION DON'T DIGNIFY DICTION
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Monday, January 29, 2007
Mostly because of this site here,
(sorry, my linky-thing isn't working)
I'm going to be posting more of Phil's behaviors and ramblings I find funny. Sometimes it's more annoyance than humor, but c'est la vie.
Yesterday he "invented" hobbit socks. This needs background. Phil is keen on picking up random pieces of clothing and proclaiming them other pieces of clothing with the confidence of a veteran couture designer. One of my T-shirts? A hat! A long wool sweater? A dress for boys! A pair of my underwear wrapped around his wrist? Why, a wrist-cuff, of course! So, what might socks with holes in the toes be when the toe portion is chopped off with Tawny's do-not-touch-them-they-are-my-good-sewing-scissors? Hobbit socks. No exclamation point, as I'm not amused, but repulsed. This also needs background.
Phil's toes exist because I am gracious and kind. They assault me with their presence. They chase me out of rooms. Don't ask me why. I can't explain it in any rational fashion. I read today on a woman's blog that her daughter developed such a distaste for other people's feet that she literally would not walk past a pair of bare feet. I'm with her. We could be friends. I hate feet in general and Phil's toes just push me over the proverbial edge.
So, what does he do? He chops of the toes of an old pair of socks and decides that these socks are the love of his life. He walks around ALL EVENING in them and then, when I ask if he really thinks he's getting in bed with those monstrosities on his feet, he answers all chatty-like, "they are sooooo warm!" Right, with the toes chopped off, shoes are warmer too.
All of this is really just the backdrop for his conversation this evening with his brother, who, apparently, has also done this to his socks. Of course. But what really takes the cake; what really assures me that, yes, they are related is what Roger said next: "Dude! I'm a ninja with my feet. You have no idea what I can do with my feet!"
It's the Baird way.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Overheard on the Bus
ditzy girl: "Damn! I really need to pee, but I'm wearing new leggings so I can't pee my pants!"
.....um.....as opposed to all those times you had on old leggings and just peed away on the bus?
boys talking excitedly: "So, you know, South African girls will give it up soooo easy."
"Oh man, but Venezuelan girls are all sluts!"
other boy, visibly annoyed: "Could you guys whisper so those of us with SOULS don't have to hear you?!?"
lady: So, where do you live?
spaced out man: I live...near a cactus.
I don't quite know how to incorporate this into the above examples of utter genius, but once, on the bus, a bunch of theater students got on and got everyone singing Bohemian Rhapsody within a few minutes. Even the driver.
Friday, June 30, 2006
to the Jeanette Winterson audio clip. Tears, tears, tears.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
After the Baby Arrived:
(she has a camera! built in! Oh, the narcissism that will ensue!)
So, I got me a Macbook with the $ I made at a recent show and although I have deemed it a girl, I refuse to name her and join the ranks of Macfanatics whose eyes glaze over at the site of their babies glowing on the tabletop. I'll go that far, but no further.
Anyways, the other day these words, which would have been blasphemous just one year ago, were exchanged in hushed tones:
P: (silently starting the Mac after she was barely free from her packaging)
T: .....Um.....Are Macs.....um....better...than....um....PC's?
P: ....yes. Yes they are.
T: *blink* *blink*blink*blink* Oh.
Friday, June 02, 2006
See more about the above picture here. Unless you can tell what's going on all by yourself, but I doubt you can. I can't either.
Phil is improving every day. His ear is still gross and imposing and his face is becoming increasingly lopsided...and we don't quite know what to do about that. We keep saying "It's just the swelling!" but there is the possibility that it may never go back to normal. I've been in various stages of a nervous breakdown as Phil's medical stuff, huge school deadlines, and a significant ($3000) deduction in my grant money per quarter has all occurred in quick and vicious succession. Phil has been very sweet, albeit heavily medicated; he even scratches my back sometimes to calm me down despite the fact that I think it's causing some minor pain.
He sleeps a lot and dreams of things sexual in nature. So do I.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
The Ear Chronicles
Phil is home and well-pieced together! I'll be updating with pictures of the progress and anything funny he does while on major doses of Vallium. He was the perfect hospital patient, charming the nurses with his wit, scooting around in his open-backed gown and booties, and deciding that he likes the headband because, well, you know: karate kid. He had a tympanoplasty (gross picture here, nice drawing here) and mastoidectomy all because of a goddam cholesteatoma. The surgery was actually much more time-consuming and scary than they had originally thought. The cholesteatoma was very advanced and mandated the removal of portions of his ear canal, his hearing bones, and huge portions of his mastoid. Most importantly, they found that part of his brain was slowly collapsing into his ear cavity and a wall had to be erected and reinforced in order to keep his brain in the right spot (!!! here is where the wife starts loosing it!!!). I have pictures of all of this (did you know they totally bring you pictures of your spouse's insides afterwards?!) and I'll post them tomorrow. He got himself a new eardrum stretched (yes, they can do that) and faux hearing bones put in for the time being. Luckily, his surgeon is a badass lady who just returned from maternity leave to continue her cholesteatoma-ass-kicking job. She was very cool and calm as she told me about the amazing wandering brain and the fact that we won't be able to have sex for 6 weeks (I'm not even kidding, so don't laugh: it's not funny).
Here is Phil home from the hospital thinking about 6 weeks without sexual activity of any kind:
This is what his ear looks like. I've mentioned it once to him, but I'm not sure he realizes just how crooked his ears are now, in relation to one another, I mean. More pics to come.
This is what happens when he's left alone for an hour. They say THIS IS NORMAL so don't accuse me of bad caretaking just yet:
I asked Phil if he wanted me to tell anyone anything and since he can't really talk right now he just waved, so "Hi!" from Phil. He's doing ok at the moment, but I'll post all the gorey details as time passes...I mean, can you even WAIT to see all the packing that has to come out in 3 weeks?!? I can't.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Of Boys and Bowels
So, is it just me or do men spend inordinate amounts of time in the bathroom? My first issue is that if it's taking that long, then something is horribly and irrevocably wrong with your body. Your health is in serious jeopardy if an hour and a half is required to do the business that needs to be done. It's just not right and you probably need help; help that would require an enema and a camera in places you never thought cameras could go.
Second, I thought we had finally gotten to the point in our holy union where I no longer accuse Phil of camping out in there every time he hears the word "relationship" or "dishes." Now I'm just sure he's making something extraordinary in there, like a detailed reproduction of the Sistine Chapel hidden behind the mirror or building a miniature model of the Parthenon out of Q-tips and toothpaste. Whatever it is, I'm confident that it is fantastic, because it has been the most time-consuming venture in his life.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
In response to the proposed vaccine for the human papilloma virus (link):
"I personally object to vaccinating children when they don't need vaccinations, particularly against a disease that is one hundred per cent preventable with proper sexual behavior," Leslee J. Unruh, the founder and president of the Abstinence Clearinghouse, said.
Because HPV is a cancer-causing virus, we hear the uproar about life and death and our need to react to the Bush Administration's archaic relationship to any science that might make premarital sex less risky. WHY IS IT that we need the word "cancer" inserted to make us fidgety with anger? STD's don't need to fall into some "other" category of ailments simply because a conservative political presence deems premarital sex improper. I like this article's complexity and message, but I want HPV to be on our radar without the rhetorical device of "cancer" to legitimize it.
I think we need a new instantiation of the bumper sticker "Just say no to sex with pro-lifers."
How about "Just say no to sex with anti-science pricks who think that just because no one wanted to screw them premaritally, we all need to hunker down and keep our panties on until heteronormative property-exchanges doth put the fire of the Lord into our loins."
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
"Soltero and several other students walked out of DeAnza Middle School on March 28 to protest the immigration bill, which includes harsh penalties for illegal immigrants.
On March 30, the boy was called into a school administrator's office, where he was told he could go to jail for three years for his involvement in the protests, said Samuel R. Paz, the family's attorney. The administrator also said the boy could be barred from graduation activities and his mother could be fined, Paz said.
Soltero reportedly called his mother, Louise Corales, and told her what the administrator said. By the time she got home from work, he had shot himself with what police said was a small-caliber rifle. Corales called police just after 3 p.m."
Thursday, April 06, 2006
The Quarter Thus Far (Ok, I'm one week in)
Anthropology of Religion
I'm taking this to fulfill a Feminist Studies requirement and although it's in my field of study, it sucks ass. It's one of those classes full of psych and philosophy majors--the uncool kind, not like Brian--and all they want to do is talk about how cool reincarnation is and how altered states of consciousness are vital to a holistic spiritual experience blah blah chakras blah blah blah incense blah blah drum circles. I want to take them by their oily heads and shake them into anthropology majors who get that this isn't Celebrating and Essentializing Eastern Religions 101.
This should be good. I get to devote a whole quarter to a project of my choosing: the interviewing/recording/photographing of returned ex-mormon missionaries and (hopefully) some missionaries in the field. I may be taking the easy way out as Phil will be my primary informant, but y'all know how I loves me some Hot Ex-Mormon Ass, so how could I pass this up?
Racial and Gender Formations in the U.S.
This used to be called "Women of Color in the US," and why now this new business about formations? Because my instructor is a bona fide badass and she knows what's up. She cracks us up and makes us all crush on her like crazy. Quote of the day: "I'd love to be the one who outs Condoleezza Rice...Cause you know she's playing on the team. We just don't want her on the team."
Mexican Folk Dancing
Lots of stomping around in heels. I love it. My dancing partner is girl who always insists I "let her be my man" and since the girl dancer gets to swish around her skirt, who am I to argue?
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Charmed, I'm Not So Sure
"Do you still want to go see that movie?"
"Well, if I'm going anywhere I need to put on some makeup."
"Don't worry, it's dark out."
Minus 300 points. And you all know what those points are for.